As much as I try to avoid talking/thinking about this, it eventually comes back even more painful than ever.

In the past years, you used to ask me what I want to do. And even if there's something you want me to do, you'd ASK ME FIRST. But now, things have changed. You don't even ask me. You TELL me to do things without asking whether I want to do it or not. Wait, I don't think "tell" is the right word for this. You order me to do what YOU want me to do.

When all this began, you asked me. I thought maybe I'd just go with the flow, so I agreed. All this while, when your friends, or even my friends, asked me "Why are you doing this?" I say "Because I want to" when I should really be saying "Because she wants me to". I know at times I say "I don't know" or "I haven't decided". But that doesn't mean that you get to decide for me! What's the point of asking me then? All I need is time. Time to think. But you're not giving me the chance to. Now, when I've finally and painstakingly decided, you order me to go the other way. ITS ALL ABOUT WHAT YOU WANT. WHAT ABOUT WHAT I WANT? HAVE YOU CONSIDERED THAT?

I'm not the strong person you think I am. I'm not strong enough to be that kind of person. Seriously. Yes, I know he has the potential and that is truly what he wants to do. But I'm not as strong as he is. I AM NOT HIM. Get that fact straight. I really do not want to repeat the same mistake I made twice. But I just don't have the courage to tell you that. I wish I had the courage to tell you what's on my mind. I wish I could talk to you about this when its just the two of us. I wish I was naturally eloquent. I wish I could. I wish I was. I wish..

Now, I'm stuck between what I have to do and what I want to do. Its like choosing between two totally different lives to live in. I hate having that huge lump in my throat everytime I think about this. It makes me feel so weak and fragile. I don't like being in this state. I don't want to break down for the second time today. But I guess its too late to say that.

Conclusion; I AM SICK OF THIS.